30 Days of Perfection: Day 7 ~ Sugar Addicts Anonymous

"Sugar accelerates aging. Sugar causes inflammation. Sugar feeds cancer. Sugar is Satan dressed up in foil." Useful information, supported by science, and meant to inspire a healthy lifestyle. Messages delivered by patchouly loving freaks in between sips of kale, hemp seed, kefir smoothies...or Harvard researchers, whatever. For me these messages inspired guilt, dread, panic, and seeking comfort in dark chocolate. It wasn't a completely hypocritical response - dark chocolate is good for you. Well, an ounce of dark chocolate may be good for you, eating a 4 oz bar in five minutes probably isn't.

I read every article and book I could find on the evils of sugar, hoping the more I knew, the harder it would be for me to continue my dysfunctional relationship with candy. Instead with each new tidbit of information, I clung tighter to my bag of jelly beans. I loved them. They were good to me. They kept me sane, gave me energy, cheered me up, I couldn't live without them. And they're so pretty. Little pellets of sweet pastel happiness. Sometimes I ate them one color at a time, other times I'd mix a yellow with a green for a citrus twist, or create a dreamsicle pop of flavor with a white and an orange. How many times have I avoided smiling to cover my teeth made grey by black jelly beans? Why is everything that's fun unhealthy? If eating sugar was the worst vice I had, I was doing better than most. It wasn't crack after all.

That may be true (though the freaks would say it's worse than crack), but I still heard a little voice whispering, "You say you'd do anything to feel better, and be healthier.  Would you give up sugar? What if it's making you sick?" The more I learned, the louder the voice became. Trying to ignore it was useless and frustrating. That little shit voice was relentless. How could I intentionally do something that I knew was harming my health? Isn't that the definition of addiction? Why isn't there a 12 step program for sugar addicts? Why couldn't I check myself into Hazelden and get clean with the celebrities? There's this diet and that diet, but I didn't need to lose weight, I needed to stop poisoning myself.

Or maybe I didn't. Maybe I didn't eat enough sugar to cause all that damage. So much food research is based on consuming more of something than any normal person could.  Maybe those books and articles were talking to someone else. Someone with a habit much, much worse than mine. Someone who sat in a darkened room eating candy bar after candy bar using the wrappers to build a nest of chocolate smeared misery. That isn't me. I'm a high functioning suburban housewife. So what if I keep a pound of M&Ms in my minivan to entertain myself while I drive my kids all over town. Being an unpaid chauffeur is boring. I deserve to have a little fun. Maybe I can have sugar and just be happy. The only way to find out was to give it up and see what happens.

Day 7

Family: play a game with the kids

Friends: check ins

Work: make something new for dinner

Writing: decide on a summer class

Habits: try again on the negative/positive thoughts exchange

Whole Health: order supplements

Update: Still sugar free! What's happening - I seem to be sleeping better. My mood has been better, but I'm still not willing to give SFL (sugar free lifestyle) credit.  I always feel happier in the spring. The cravings are more sparks of annoyance than stabs of need. I met all my goals except "try to meet each negative thought with a positive one". It's not that I was super negative - I just forgot about it. Oops.