"See how your spine curves up here to the right? And then it curves down here to the left and rotates to the inside? Yeah, that's going to cause some muscle pain." Suddenly, I'm part of the Louis C.K. bit "Incurable Shitty Ankle". If you're over 40 and haven't seen this, look it up on YouTube. It's hilarious and so true. The gist of it is that as we get older our bodies start breaking down, and what we're likely to hear from the doctors is "That's just shitty now. You can do some exercises, but that's pretty much how it's going to be. Until you die."
That's what I heard yesterday. It wasn't new news. I've known I have scoliosis since I was a kid, but it didn't cause any real trouble until my 30's. My back pain has been gradually getting worse so I thought I'd have it checked out again, in case there was something new wrong with it - something I could actually treat and fix. Nope, it's just shitty.
"Looking at you, I wouldn't think your scoliosis was this bad." Well, that's something I guess. But what will I look like at 70? If my back continues to rotate a degree every year, as she told me it could, can it twist itself into a helix? Do I end up looking like a walking pretzel or a misshapen puzzle piece?
I asked if there was a chance I could strengthen it enough that I might be able to play tennis again? I loved playing tennis. I had taken lessons and was just starting to play a lot, when my back really freaked out for the first time a few years ago. I haven't played since.
"Hmm, your back isn't going to like it. But if you slowly build up some flexibility, you might be able to lob the ball back and forth a little bit."
I envisioned myself standing still in one spot facing the net. The ball comes right to me, and softly bounces on the court. My body doesn't move, but my raquet moves forward enough to make contact with the ball, which barely makes it back over the net. I do this a dozen times and go home. This is not what I think of as "playing tennis", but I remind myself it's better than nothing. When I shared this prognosis with my friend, Ali, she quickly offered to be the one feeding the balls over the net as soon as I was ready. You know someone is a good friend when they're happy to play granny sports with you.
I am truly grateful for the people who love me enough to put up with my decrepitness, and for all the things I can do - shitty back or not.
Day 16
Family: check in on school/homework
Friends: return calls
Work: pick up the house
Writing: write for one hour
Habits: stop procrastinating on hooking up that thing that's been sitting on the floor for weeks to the T.V.
Whole Health: meditate for 5 minutes
Day 15 gets an "A-". I did make the calls I've been meaning to make, but I didn't have much time to talk. The upside is that having such a busy day didn't give me an opportunity to procrastinate. I wrote for an hour and made dinner (which I left in the fridge on plates covered and labeled for each person!). The meditating actually happened. This may become my daily goal for Whole Health. It's something that I struggle to make happen, but when I do I'm reminded how important it is to take time to quiet my mind and be still. Maybe if I do if for the next 14 days it'll become a habit. I've noticed that I don't think as much about being sugar free, hopefully this means I can coast to the finish line. Wouldn't that be lovely?
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