The plan wasn't to post every day. To have my writing be part of an experiment. But I've already learned some things from doing it. I'm a perfectionist - I think we've covered that already. Quickly writing, and posting, every day is like waking up and inviting anxiety in for a cup of coffee. I'm trying to put on the page whatever comes to mind, to not work on it too much. Think, Write, Publish. I'm more comfortable with Think, Write, Read, Think Some More, Edit, Read, Edit, Think...this can go on for days before I'm satisfied enough to let anyone read what I've written. And even then, I'm usually not happy with the end product. If they tell me it's good or how much they liked it, I assume they're just being nice. Yes, this is more than perfectionism, this is a confidence problem.
Overall, I'm pretty comfortable with who I am. But it's been a long time since I've been comfortable with my writing. Not since I was a little girl and would spend hours writing stories, and scribbling in my diaries. My favorite thing was getting chosen to read one of my stories aloud in class. Everyone would quietly listen and clap when I was done. (They had to clap, that was the rule - but it was still nice to hear.) If they'd get a tissue off of the teacher's desk after I'd read a sad story, I was thrilled! There was nothing better than making people cry! This was not mean spirited. My stories were engaging enough to make people feel something and I loved that. I knew I was good at these stories when my classmates started getting tissues before I started reading. My parents, my friends, my teachers, all told me I had talent as a writer and I believed them.
How did I grow out of this confidence? I don't know. I do know that by the time I was a teenager I no longer believed I was good at anything. That story is tissue worthy, but for another day. I majored in Journalism, not because I thought I could be a writer, but because it seemed like a practical degree. I loved my classes, but still didn't think I was "good at it". When assignments would come back with an "A", it actually made me think less of my professors. Didn't they know crap when they saw it? I never wrote anything that wasn't for class. I was busy. And I was scared.
There is a vulnerability in writing and putting my work out there. It's like letting people peak inside my mind. There are things I keep tucked away in there because they are ugly, hurtful, or sad. There are tender parts of my psyche that could wither in the light. To put words on the page is a risk. If the words aren't good enough, maybe I'm not good enough. Writing is taking the risk of having my greatest doubts realized.
Suddenly I'm taking that risk every day. I've learned the greater risk is in not writing, and allowing fear to steal that happiness from me. The happiness isn't in creating something perfect, the happiness is in doing what I love.
Day 6
Family: get the kids out of the house and do something fun
Friends: have people over
Work: get groceries, and make appetizers
Writing: do a free write with the prompt "If I were fearless, I would..."
Habits: try to meet each negative thought with a positive one
Whole Health: go for a walk outside
Update: My good mood didn't last all day. I had an idea of what my evening was going to be like, and it didn't turn out that way. So disappointing. This led to a lot of complaining - I didn't meet that goal. I did meet the others. Today I woke up weepy and dying for chocolate. Just a little bit. Just enough to take the edge off. A couple cups of coffee later and I'm feeling stronger. If anyone tries to make me give up coffee... I don't know what!
(Remember Mrs. Robinson saying this in "The Graduate"? For some reason, it struck me as so funny when I heard it. It says nothing, but seems like a huge threat. Love it.)
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