30 Days of Perfection: Day 11 ~ Temper Tantrum

“You’re not the boss of me! I want candy and I want it NOW!” My inner child is pitching a fit. She’s a sassy one.  Strong willed and resistant to authority. Tell her she can’t have it and she won’t stop until she gets it. Try to make her do anything she doesn’t want to, and be ready to do battle. 

I picture her as my 3 or 4 year old self. The little girl my dad loves to tell the story about, who after getting into trouble, stood up in front of him, hands on her hips and declared, “You can spank me all you want. I’m NEVER gonna do it!”  He says he could tell from the look of furious determination in my eyes that I meant it, and spanking wasn’t going to work with me. 

“Fine. Then no Brady Bunch for a week.”

“Noooo! I’ll do it! I’ll do anything!”

Apparently, my steely resolve was powerless against the charms of a lovely lady, a man named Brady, and their perfect progeny. 

It’s not that she wants to eat the candy, she just wants to have the option. She wants it to be her choice, not someone else’s demand.  This little experiment is telling her she can’t have candy for 30 days whether she likes it or not, and she does not like it. 

This is the anger I felt yesterday. I wasn’t craving sugar, but I was mad I couldn’t have it.  I was mad that I can’t eat gluten. I can’t drink Diet Coke. Or vodka. And I can’t have sugar. I love all of those things, but my body does not. I can have a drink now and then, but not like my friends can. I can’t have gluten or drink Diet Coke without feeling sick, so I don’t have them. And for the next 20 days, sugar is forbidden. I’m beginning to realize my relationship with sugar may never be the same. I’ll be able to have some, but not as much as I’d like. 

The little girl pouts, “It’s not fair. How come my body is so sensitive? Why can’t I have what I want, when everyone else can?” 

It’s not fair, it’s not fun, but it’s not the end of the world.  In the grand scheme of things, it’s not even significant. My body is sensitive. I have to manage fibromyalgia, depression, and anxiety and that’s the way it is. The “why?” doesn’t really matter. Instead of putting energy into being mad about things I can’t control, I need to use that energy to make changes and move forward.

I tell that little girl, “I’m not trying to be mean to you, I’m trying to take care of you. Some of the things you want aren’t good for you.  But, you’re right, it’s up to you. You can choose things that make you feel sick, or you can choose things that make you feel happy and healthy.  I want good things for you, but you have to want them too.”

I do want to be healthy more than I want chocolate, cosmos or cookies.  I’m not forcing myself to give up sugar for a month, I’m taking care of myself by choosing to give it up.  If only that little girl would believe it, and stop fighting me. 

Day 11

Family: have coffee with my sister

Work: even more laundry

Writing: write for an hour

Habits: counter angry thoughts with healthy ones

Whole Health: walk outside

Yesterday wasn't the most productive. My bad mood won out over trying to reach my goals. The only thing I accomplished was getting most of the laundry done (and staying on the sugar-free wagon). Day 10 gets a "D". Today will be a better day!