30 Days of Perfection: Day 20 ~ The Breakup

Dear Blogging, 

I hate to do this in a letter, but, really, what choice do I have?  We need to talk.  You know how much I care about you, right?  We've had some good times the last few weeks.  You've been patient and supportive in ways nothing else could be.  Without you, I'm not sure I would've had the strength to get through those first painful days without Sugar.  You, and the Daily Goals, have helped me to grow as a person in ways I never expected.  You've been there for me when I needed you, and that means so much.  

But this isn't working out.  Given the way things have been lately, I doubt this comes as a surprise.  You need more than I can give right now.  You deserve more.  I told you in the beginning that I wanted to keep this casual.  To just have some fun. Lately, trying to find the time to be with you, and the right things to say, has felt more like work.  I think we're just in different places.  Maybe some day we can try again.  But right now, I need to take some time for me, to figure some things out.  Just because we won't be hanging out every day, doesn't mean we can't be friends.  I know how much you care about my 30 days experiment.  Don't worry, I'm going to see it through.  I'll check in once in awhile, and I'll let you know how it turns out. Maybe we can get together for coffee when it's over?  I will miss you, but I need to let you go.  Take care of yourself.

Love,
Katie 

30 Days of Perfection:Day 19 ~ Yawn

It's killing me.  Seriously, I may die from exhaustion.  My alarm is set for 7:00, but my body is waking up at 5:00.  Why?  I look at the clock and moan.  Maybe I'll go back to sleep this time.

There's no way I'm going back to sleep.  The sun is starting to come up.  The coffee is calling.  "Let's go, let's go," my mind cheers.  No.  I don't want to go.  I want to sleep.  Please go back to sleep.  I'll count backwards from 100 until I fall asleep.  I get to 92 before my thoughts drift to coffee.

I can have coffee in two hours, after I sleep.  I don't need coffee now.  But I could have it now, and enjoy the quiet peacefulness of the house before anyone else gets up.  I'm actually a morning person.  I love the still solitude of early mornings.  My body does not.  My body is a fitful sleeper and is forever in need of just one more hour.  At 6:00 I give up, and make my first cup of coffee.

Day 19

Family: no screens until the History missing assignments are complete

Work: Listen to Prof. Lorimer Moseley's pain seminar on YouTube

Writing: Friday writing group

Habits: be more patient

Whole Health: do back exercises

"B-" for yesterday. Parent/Student conferences are my version of hell. Hard to put a positive spin on that. And I forgot to meditate - again.

30 Days of Perfection: Day 18 ~ Blogging Blahs

Blogging doesn't have any energy for me today. (That's writers' speak for "I don't feel like doing it.")  Blogging every day was not an official part of the 30 Days experiment. The original idea was to give a an update and a grade to the previous day, and set my goals for that day.

So here's the update:  Yesterday I met all of my goals ~ "A".  Somehow a 30 minute meal took me 2 hours to make, serve, eat, and clean up. This is why I don't cook.

Today I've decided being sugar-free hasn't made any great changes in the quality of my life.  Nothing that out weighs the happiness chocolate brings me. Two weeks from today sugar and I will be reunited. I'm counting down the days!

Day 18

Family: B's class, L's conferences

Work: running here, there, and everywhere

Writing: do a free write

Habits: focus on the positive at L's conferences

Whole Health: meditate 5 minutes

30 Days of Perfection: Day 17 ~ Tick Tock

Time, time, time, see what's become of me... "Hazy Shade of Winter" is this moments soundtrack. The Bangles' version not Simon & Garfunkel's, though I like that version too. I was thinking about how to get the most out of my time - and then the song started playing in my head.

While I look around for my possibilities, I was so hard to please... that about covers it.  Searching for the perfect things to do uses up a ridiculous amount of my free time.  There isn't much wiggle room with the time spent on "have to do's".   If I've got this one chunk of time today for myself, should I write? Should I go for a walk? Call friends? Watch House of Cards? Finish that book on parenting teens that I've been reading forever. Seriously, my kids will be out of the house before I finish learning how not to screw them up. The damage will already be done, and I will have wasted all that time.

I'll start one thing and then jump into something else. Before I know it, it's time to pick up the kids or leave for that appointment. Damnit! Add a spoonful of procrastination on top of my dish of indecision, and nothing gets done. Wasting my own time is frustrating, but it's unbearable when someone else does it.

Useless time takers tax my patience. Sitting in traffic. Standing in line. Listening to the questions and answers portion of a presentation. This is the most detested time waster. It started in school, when someone would ask a question that had already been answered. I'd roll my eyes and squirm in my seat, while the teacher repeated the information to the kid that should have been paying attention.

It grew in college, when that one guy (or girl) would ask questions for the sole purpose of hearing himself talk or attempting to prove how smart/deep he was. It didn't take long to pinpoint these people. If I saw them gearing up for a self-indulgent soliloquy, I'd sneak out of the room. I just couldn't stand it. I had better things to do with my time.

Now, as a parent, there is nothing worse than sitting in a school meeting when they start taking questions. Yes, someone may ask a question that I'd been thinking about, but this rarely happens.  Usually the questions are trivial, or specific to their own child. Why spend all of our time asking things like "When will they bring home their gym clothes?" Umm, when they start to stink. Or "When is lunch?" Surely, they must understand that there is no way for the presenter to know which lunch period will be in their child's schedule, and that all the possible lunch times are listed on the school website.  More eye rolling, more squirming. I tell myself if one more person asks one more dumb question I'm leaving. "So when are school pictures?" That date is not set 6 months in advance, and who the hell cares? I'm out.

Don't they know that I have no time to waste on silly questions, that I need that time for my indecision? For reading a little, writing a little, and doing a little of nothing much. I need that time to make lists of the things I need to do today, and then putting them off until tomorrow.  Their attempts at wasting my time are sophomoric. I'm the time wastin' fuckin' master.

Day 17

Family: check in on school/homework

Work: make dinner

Writing: write for one hour

Habits: make a to-do list and do it

Whole Health: meditate for 5 minutes

The grade for Day 16 = "B". I put off checking in on school/homework. It never goes well. I wasn't up for it. I'll summons the strength and do it today. I tried to hook up that thing on the floor, but there were too many wires. I did make an appointment to have someone do it for me. I did everything else, including meditating. Didn't get to it until bedtime, but I did it without falling asleep. It was a good transition between doing all those end of the day things and going to bed. Is this the best time to meditate? Do I need a set time to make it a habit? I'll keep working on it.

30 Days of Perfection: Day 16 ~ The World of Granny Sports

"See how your spine curves up here to the right? And then it curves down here to the left and rotates to the inside? Yeah, that's going to cause some muscle pain." Suddenly, I'm part of the Louis C.K. bit "Incurable Shitty Ankle". If you're over 40 and haven't seen this, look it up on YouTube. It's hilarious and so true. The gist of it is that as we get older our bodies start breaking down, and what we're likely to hear from the doctors is "That's just shitty now. You can do some exercises, but that's pretty much how it's going to be. Until you die."

That's what I heard yesterday. It wasn't new news. I've known I have scoliosis since I was a kid, but it didn't cause any real trouble until my 30's. My back pain has been gradually getting worse so I thought I'd have it checked out again, in case there was something new wrong with it - something I could actually treat and fix. Nope, it's just shitty.

"Looking at you, I wouldn't think your scoliosis was this bad." Well, that's something I guess. But what will I look like at 70? If my back continues to rotate a degree every year, as she told me it could, can it twist itself into a helix? Do I end up looking like a walking pretzel or a misshapen puzzle piece?

I asked if there was a chance I could strengthen it enough that I might be able to play tennis again?  I loved playing tennis. I had taken lessons and was just starting to play a lot, when my back really freaked out for the first time a few years ago. I haven't played since.

"Hmm, your back isn't going to like it. But if you slowly build up some flexibility, you might be able to lob the ball back and forth a little bit."

I envisioned myself standing still in one spot facing the net.  The ball comes right to me, and softly bounces on the court.  My body doesn't move, but my raquet moves forward enough to make contact with the ball, which barely makes it back over the net. I do this a dozen times and go home. This is not what I think of as "playing tennis", but I remind myself it's better than nothing.  When I shared this prognosis with my friend, Ali, she quickly offered to be the one feeding the balls over the net as soon as I was ready. You know someone is a good friend when they're happy to play granny sports with you.

I am truly grateful for the people who love me enough to put up with my decrepitness, and for all the things I can do - shitty back or not.

Day 16

Family: check in on school/homework

Friends: return calls

Work: pick up the house

Writing: write for one hour

Habits: stop procrastinating on hooking up that thing that's been sitting on the floor for weeks to the T.V.

Whole Health: meditate for 5 minutes

Day 15 gets an "A-". I did make the calls I've been meaning to make, but I didn't have much time to talk. The upside is that having such a busy day didn't give me an opportunity to procrastinate.  I wrote for an hour and made dinner (which I left in the fridge on plates covered and labeled for each person!). The meditating actually happened. This may become my daily goal for Whole Health. It's something that I struggle to make happen, but when I do I'm reminded how important it is to take time to quiet my mind and be still.  Maybe if I do if for the next 14 days it'll become a habit. I've noticed that I don't think as much about being sugar free, hopefully this means I can coast to the finish line. Wouldn't that be lovely?

30 Days of Perfection: Day 15 ~ Half Way!!

Half way done - or another half to go, depends on your perspective, but I'm trying to be more positive so - I've made it half way through!  I'm proud of myself for making it this far.

Why does that sound odd? I'm proud of myself for... I did a good job... I'm happy with... These are things I don't often hear myself or my friends say. We usually present our accomplishments with disclaimers. It's not great, but... I don't really like it, but... But here it is, this thing I've done.  I'm telling you it's crap, before you can tell me it's crap. Ha! Beat you to it! You don't have the power to knock it down a few notches, because I already did.

We clearly buy into the saying that "the best defense is a good offense".  I'm guilty of doing this, but it pains me when my friends do it.  I want them to feel good about the things they do. To not be so hard on themselves. To give themselves more credit. I want them to love themselves as much as I love them. And I know they want the same for me. These are gifts that we give each other, but find so hard to give ourselves.

It feels awkward to say "I'm proud of myself for..." because we don't do it enough. We should do it more. We should say it until it sounds natural, until it's normal.  I'm not suggesting any of us go dancing down the street singing a song of self congratulations. "I'm soooo great! La ti da! I'm soooo wonderful! La ti da! I'm the best! La, la, la!!" Some would say we should do this, but let's be real, the singer of that song isn't going to have many friends.  What I'm suggesting is that we not hold ourselves back at the gate.  Take off and see how you do. If you do well, be proud of yourself. Say it out loud. It's o.k.

I'm proud of myself for sticking with this experiment. For setting goals and working to reach them. I haven't always succeeded, but I've tried and I'm happy with that.  Now, if you want to sing my praises feel free. Who doesn't love that song?

Day 15

Family: take time on phone calls

Friends: call my b/f/f

Work: make dinner ahead of time

Writing: write for one hour

Habits: don't procrastinate

Whole Health: meditate for 5 minutes

Day 14 was a "C" day. I did half the things I set as goals. The easily measured things - coffee date, get groceries, write my blog post. Done. Screen breaks - didn't even try. We were in the van for 5 hours. I was happy spending time with Mark. The kids were happy doing there own thing. I didn't want to rock the boat. So many issues in that, but that's the choice I made in the moment. Be patient - ha! Who can be patient traveling with teenagers? I wasn't particularly not patient, but the time it took for our lunch/restroom break was excessive. We ate in the car, it's not like we sat down in the restaurants. Yes, I said "restaurants" - plural. One kid wants this, the other kid wants that. The restaurants are near each other. Why not make everyone happy? Because it takes forever!  Meditate - hmm, after lunch would have been a good time, but it didn't happen. Tried to do it at bedtime, but I fell asleep. Better luck today!

30 Days of Perfection: Day 14 ~ Suddenly Spontaneous

Mark looked up from the computer and said, "We should plan a trip to Madison soon."

"Ok. Let's go."

"When?"

"Now. Let's grab some stuff and go. It'll be fun!"

Mark looked a little confused by my enthusiasm for a spur of the moment road trip. But then he got on board, "Ok! Let's go! But maybe not tonight..."

The reality of rolling into Madison after midnight put a dent in our spontaneity. Throwing some things in a bag and hitting the road turned into Mark wanting to get in a 10 mile run in the morning and my cleaning up the house.  So while Mark ran, I went through the mail, did the dishes, wiped the counters, and swept the floors. Then I packed for myself and the kids. Loaded a grocery bag with allergy friendly and gluten free treats. Spent too much time writing, and was finally ready to go. And then waited - Mark was running a half an hour behind schedule. Schedules were beside the point, but some how they just happen.

Sunny, clear, and warm -  perfect day for a drive.  The kids did whatever it is the kids do in the backseat with their iDevices, and occasionally popped up to tell us something.  Mark and I sang along to the radio and our Country Playlist.

After lunch, Mark and the boys dropped me on State Street to shop.  I love the swarming activity in Madison. Students, professors, parents, families. Some walking quickly on a mission, others strolling with no regard to time.  Kitschy stores, crowded bars, coffee shops - lots of coffee shops.

Library Mall - usually crowed with sidewalk preachers, skateboarders, street musicians, and children jumping in the fountain. Yesterday it was tribal drummers and hula hoop dancers. The dancers shimmied, spun, and weaved their arms in and out of the hoops they never dropped.  At least 20 drummers thumped out the beats for a hippie guy that grooved to the vibe.  Random people drifted to the middle of the circle of watchers and let loose. So fantastic! Sooo Madison.

Day 14

Family: screen breaks

Friends: coffee date

Work: groceries for the week

Writing: blog post

Habits: be patient

Whole Health: meditate 5 minutes

We did have a super fun day as a family (minus some crabby kid moments - spontaneity isn't really their thing).  We didn't get out the door on time, but I'm blaming Mark for that one. I did pretty well on the other goals. Day 13 - "B". The biggest success was managing to stay sugar free on a road trip. Nothing helps pass the time in the car like M&Ms. And then there were the temptations in Madison. The gluten free bakery that has the doughnuts I love. Several ice cream shops, and two chocolate stores. It wasn't easy, but I made it.  Only 15 days to go!!

p.s. I did write down today's goals this morning even though I didn't have time to post. No cheating.

30 Days of Perfection: Day 13 ~ It Works For Me

Being the one who doesn't drink, who does eat gluten, who doesn't eat sugar is tiring to explain. Or maybe it's more that it's boring to hear myself talk about it over and over.  Each one of these things is curious to other people. "Are you sure? Why are you doing that?" I feel the need to lay out the whole story. The aches and pains, the depression, the interactions with my medication.  It gets personal and out of hand quickly.  The look of concern deepens, "Wow.  That sounds awful. Is it helping?"  This is my opening to assure them I am not bat shit crazy.

"Yes! I can't believe what a difference it's made. I used to feel like I had the flu 2 - 3 days a week, now I maybe have one day a month like that. If I skip cocktails and sugar, I don't get headaches, I sleep better, and I have more energy. It's totally worth it." I smile brightly and see the relief wash over their faces.

Most of that is true, but I'm not always sure it's worth it. To have to have this conversation at every party or get together. To always be the odd one out. To resist all those things I really want. Is skipping this or that the key to be healthy or is it psychosomatic?

If I didn't believe the articles telling me that sugar is ruining my health, could I eat candy and not feel sick? If I ignored the label that says, "Do not drink alcohol while taking this medication," would I still instantly get a headache from a cosmo? If homeopathic doctors hadn't repeatedly told me to give up gluten, would eating a piece of wheat bread make my body ache for days?  Maybe ignorance is bliss.

The truth is that the symptoms came first. If I hadn't felt sick, sad, and achy, I wouldn't have read the articles, and gone to the doctors. So are the symptoms in my head - no, they're not. Are the cures?  Does it matter, if they work? I would love to prove it beyond a doubt, to know for sure that these sacrifices are totally worth it.  For myself, and for those who think it's all craziness.  I can't prove it, but I can stop trying to justify it. I can learn to smile brightly and answer those questions with "It works for me," and that's enough.

Day 13

Family: family fun day 

Work: get everyone out the door on time

Writing: blog post

Habits: limit complaining

Whole Health: drink water

Ok, I'll fess up. I kind of cheated on the daily goals yesterday. I didn't get a chance to write until later in the day so I picked things I'd already done. Guaranteed an "A". But they were things that I'm working on and I could have easily picked them in the morning. Instead of cheating, I'm going to look at this as evidence that meeting my daily goals is becoming more of an organic experience. Something I do without thinking about it. That this experiment is leading to a higher level of existence. Yeah, that's the ticket.  

30 Days of Perfection: Day 12 ~ I Like Old Things

Old things. New things. What to keep. What to let go. Change is usually not my favorite thing. I value predictability. Routine. Consistency.  "I like old things," is a theme in our house. Luke coined this phrase when he was maybe five. Change is not his favorite thing either. We were trying something new, and in the hopes of ending the adventure, every few minutes he would tell us that he "likes old phings." (He out grew this mispronunciation of "th", but it was adorable while it lasted.)  I meet most new things with this reaction.  Fortunately, it doesn't last long. New things quickly become old things and I'm glad to have tried them.

Then the issue becomes how long do I keep the old things? I may stick with them past the fun expiration date out of new thing avoidance. Or in the hopes that the old thing will reinvent itself and be fun again.  Sometimes this wait and see approach works, but usually it doesn't. The thing continues to wither and the longer it takes to die, the more annoyed I become with it. I don't want to let it go, I just want it to go.

Letting things go, or waiting for them to go on their own, is currently a nonissue. The old things are going, whether I'd like them to or not, and new things are moving in.  Next year I'll have one son moving from elementary school to middle school and one from middle school to high school. (And to make it more fun, the middle school is currently a junior high. The structure of all the schools in our district will be new next year.) I'm telling the boys how great it'll be to have a new adventure. How fun to meet new people and do new things. It's so exciting! I hear myself spinning this web of helpful parental advice and know that if I want them to believe it, I need to believe it too.

My theme will have to change to "I like new things".  This new phase in the kids lives is my opportunity for new adventures, too.  What things should I try? Which old things do I hang onto and which ones do I let go?

Day 12

Family: go for a walk with Mark

Work: run the kids around (Fridays are busy)

Writing: Friday Writing Group

Habits: be more patient

Whole Health: eat one fruit and one vegetable

Yesterday was a better day. Got an "A" for meeting my daily goals. What made the difference? The weather was great. That always has a huge impact on my mood and productivity. But more importantly, I stayed focused on them. It's so easy to forget that I'm working on new habits, and to fall into the old ones.

30 Days of Perfection: Day 11 ~ Temper Tantrum

“You’re not the boss of me! I want candy and I want it NOW!” My inner child is pitching a fit. She’s a sassy one.  Strong willed and resistant to authority. Tell her she can’t have it and she won’t stop until she gets it. Try to make her do anything she doesn’t want to, and be ready to do battle. 

I picture her as my 3 or 4 year old self. The little girl my dad loves to tell the story about, who after getting into trouble, stood up in front of him, hands on her hips and declared, “You can spank me all you want. I’m NEVER gonna do it!”  He says he could tell from the look of furious determination in my eyes that I meant it, and spanking wasn’t going to work with me. 

“Fine. Then no Brady Bunch for a week.”

“Noooo! I’ll do it! I’ll do anything!”

Apparently, my steely resolve was powerless against the charms of a lovely lady, a man named Brady, and their perfect progeny. 

It’s not that she wants to eat the candy, she just wants to have the option. She wants it to be her choice, not someone else’s demand.  This little experiment is telling her she can’t have candy for 30 days whether she likes it or not, and she does not like it. 

This is the anger I felt yesterday. I wasn’t craving sugar, but I was mad I couldn’t have it.  I was mad that I can’t eat gluten. I can’t drink Diet Coke. Or vodka. And I can’t have sugar. I love all of those things, but my body does not. I can have a drink now and then, but not like my friends can. I can’t have gluten or drink Diet Coke without feeling sick, so I don’t have them. And for the next 20 days, sugar is forbidden. I’m beginning to realize my relationship with sugar may never be the same. I’ll be able to have some, but not as much as I’d like. 

The little girl pouts, “It’s not fair. How come my body is so sensitive? Why can’t I have what I want, when everyone else can?” 

It’s not fair, it’s not fun, but it’s not the end of the world.  In the grand scheme of things, it’s not even significant. My body is sensitive. I have to manage fibromyalgia, depression, and anxiety and that’s the way it is. The “why?” doesn’t really matter. Instead of putting energy into being mad about things I can’t control, I need to use that energy to make changes and move forward.

I tell that little girl, “I’m not trying to be mean to you, I’m trying to take care of you. Some of the things you want aren’t good for you.  But, you’re right, it’s up to you. You can choose things that make you feel sick, or you can choose things that make you feel happy and healthy.  I want good things for you, but you have to want them too.”

I do want to be healthy more than I want chocolate, cosmos or cookies.  I’m not forcing myself to give up sugar for a month, I’m taking care of myself by choosing to give it up.  If only that little girl would believe it, and stop fighting me. 

Day 11

Family: have coffee with my sister

Work: even more laundry

Writing: write for an hour

Habits: counter angry thoughts with healthy ones

Whole Health: walk outside

Yesterday wasn't the most productive. My bad mood won out over trying to reach my goals. The only thing I accomplished was getting most of the laundry done (and staying on the sugar-free wagon). Day 10 gets a "D". Today will be a better day! 

30 Days of Perfection: Day 10 ~ Meh

Time to shake it up again. There are too many daily goals to keep track of. I’ll pull goals each morning from the categories and focus on meeting those. There may not be a goal from every category every day. This experiment is a work in progress. 

Yesterday I forgot to read, and didn’t exercise. I did have a meeting with some of Luke’s teachers, helped with homework, made dinner, and had friends over, so I didn’t go to bed with many “should have’s”.  I’m still waking up in the middle of the night and taking about an hour to fall back to sleep, but my mind isn’t racing with all the things left undone during the day. Listening to "Appetite for Destruction" was a good stress reliever, and I got over my craving for chocolate.  Overall, Day 9 gets a “B”. 

I’m going to be honest, today I’m feeling bored with this whole thing. Maybe I should have made it a two week challenge. Maybe I’m just in a mood.  I’ll keep going until May 6, but I’m losing steam. 

Day 10

Family: limit screen time

Work: laundry, laundry, laundry

Writing: do a free write other than blog post

Habits: limit complaining

Whole Health: go for a walk outside

30 Days of Perfection: Day 9 ~ Chocolate Therapy

I ran the numbers and yesterday I got a "B". Yeah, for me!! "Habits" and "Whole Health" were my struggle areas. I really do want to change my habits and take better care of myself, but this stuff is seriously engrained. Well, I can't expect to completely change habits I've had for 40 something years in a week! Let's be realistic.

At the moment, I'm resisting chocolate therapy. Some major stressors popped up yesterday, and carried into today. I'm coping, but would kill for a moment's peace with a little chocolate. There's something about eating chocolate that is a gift to myself. A reward for dealing with life's crap.

I know the physical science between chocolate and dopamine, but there's more to it.  It's psychological. It's something we learn in childhood.  If you do a good job, you get a treat.  If chocolate isn't my prize, what is? They say to change a behavior, you need to replace it with something else. What can replace chocolate?? It's immediate, it's accessible, it's delicious.

So, I need something that I really enjoy that I  can get to easily and quickly.  Music, books, writing, coffee...I'm writing and drinking coffee right now. It's keeping me from chocolate, but doesn't feel like a treat. Maybe I need to go old school and make a mix-tape (or rather a playlist) for these moments. I'll name it "Songs for Stress", "Better Than Chocolate", or "Music Munchies". Something catchy and juvenile.  Songs that are bad ass and demand to be played cranked up.  And songs that are deep, mellow, and soothing. These moments need a little of both. I'm thinking Guns-N-Roses and Simon & Garfunkle.

My teenage go-to music. The message is "I'm angry and want something to make me feel better."  What is it about stress that taps into my adolescence and triggers a chocolate craving? Wow, this is getting heavy. Time to put away the blog, and get out the journal.

30 Days of Perfection: Day 8 ~ Shaking It Up

One week down, three to go (plus a couple days).  It's not quite as difficult as I thought it would be. I am more productive. I do feel better.  It's interesting.  I'm not as bothered by "should have's". Overall, so far so good.

Time to make some changes. The six daily goals in the six categories are harder to come up with than you'd think. Some days I might have a few "family" things I should do and not any "friend" things. The goals in  "habits" and "whole health" don't really change from day to day. My "work" goals are more of a to-do list. I'm "writing" every day thanks to this blog. This experiment has got me moving in the right direction in these areas of my life, but I think I should focus on working daily to keep it going versus changing it up. Here are the things that I want to continue to work on to make new habits that last beyond the 30 days:

Daily Goals

Family:
1. limit screen time
2. make dinner at least 3 times a week/eat together
3. daily check-ins on school and homework
4. have everyone take their supplements/get exercise
5. do one "just for fun" thing with the kids each week

Friends:
1. schedule at least one get together a week
2. have people over to the house twice a month

Work:
1. read books (from the piles that I have!) on parenting teens and autism
2. be organized with daily schedules/plan ahead
3. don't put off "to-do's"

Writing:
1. write for one hour a day/blog post
2. take a summer class
3. continue with Friday Writing Group

Habits: 
1. don't procrastinate/waste time
2. focus on positive thoughts
3. limit complaining
4. be more patient

Whole Health:
1. eat 1 fruit and 1 veggie every day
2. no sugar 
3. five minutes of daily meditation

I'm going to post these in my kitchen as a reminder to work on them every day. I'll still check in daily on successes, obstacles, and how I'm feeling.  Each category will get a daily grade. The goal is a "B" average, that allows for doing better in some areas and not as good in others.  If there is something specific for that day, I'll add it, but for the next three weeks these are the daily goals. 

The most important goal is to stay sugar free and continue to pay attention to how this makes me feel. 

Look at me being less perfectionistic and black/white in my thinking! Change is good. 

30 Days of Perfection: Day 7 ~ Sugar Addicts Anonymous

"Sugar accelerates aging. Sugar causes inflammation. Sugar feeds cancer. Sugar is Satan dressed up in foil." Useful information, supported by science, and meant to inspire a healthy lifestyle. Messages delivered by patchouly loving freaks in between sips of kale, hemp seed, kefir smoothies...or Harvard researchers, whatever. For me these messages inspired guilt, dread, panic, and seeking comfort in dark chocolate. It wasn't a completely hypocritical response - dark chocolate is good for you. Well, an ounce of dark chocolate may be good for you, eating a 4 oz bar in five minutes probably isn't.

I read every article and book I could find on the evils of sugar, hoping the more I knew, the harder it would be for me to continue my dysfunctional relationship with candy. Instead with each new tidbit of information, I clung tighter to my bag of jelly beans. I loved them. They were good to me. They kept me sane, gave me energy, cheered me up, I couldn't live without them. And they're so pretty. Little pellets of sweet pastel happiness. Sometimes I ate them one color at a time, other times I'd mix a yellow with a green for a citrus twist, or create a dreamsicle pop of flavor with a white and an orange. How many times have I avoided smiling to cover my teeth made grey by black jelly beans? Why is everything that's fun unhealthy? If eating sugar was the worst vice I had, I was doing better than most. It wasn't crack after all.

That may be true (though the freaks would say it's worse than crack), but I still heard a little voice whispering, "You say you'd do anything to feel better, and be healthier.  Would you give up sugar? What if it's making you sick?" The more I learned, the louder the voice became. Trying to ignore it was useless and frustrating. That little shit voice was relentless. How could I intentionally do something that I knew was harming my health? Isn't that the definition of addiction? Why isn't there a 12 step program for sugar addicts? Why couldn't I check myself into Hazelden and get clean with the celebrities? There's this diet and that diet, but I didn't need to lose weight, I needed to stop poisoning myself.

Or maybe I didn't. Maybe I didn't eat enough sugar to cause all that damage. So much food research is based on consuming more of something than any normal person could.  Maybe those books and articles were talking to someone else. Someone with a habit much, much worse than mine. Someone who sat in a darkened room eating candy bar after candy bar using the wrappers to build a nest of chocolate smeared misery. That isn't me. I'm a high functioning suburban housewife. So what if I keep a pound of M&Ms in my minivan to entertain myself while I drive my kids all over town. Being an unpaid chauffeur is boring. I deserve to have a little fun. Maybe I can have sugar and just be happy. The only way to find out was to give it up and see what happens.

Day 7

Family: play a game with the kids

Friends: check ins

Work: make something new for dinner

Writing: decide on a summer class

Habits: try again on the negative/positive thoughts exchange

Whole Health: order supplements

Update: Still sugar free! What's happening - I seem to be sleeping better. My mood has been better, but I'm still not willing to give SFL (sugar free lifestyle) credit.  I always feel happier in the spring. The cravings are more sparks of annoyance than stabs of need. I met all my goals except "try to meet each negative thought with a positive one". It's not that I was super negative - I just forgot about it. Oops.

30 Days of Perfection: Day 6 ~ The Risk of Writing

My tenth blog post! I can't believe it. A few months ago, I had to talk myself into starting a blog and now I've posted 10 times! Crazy. 

The plan wasn't to post every day.  To have my writing be part of an experiment.  But I've already learned some things from doing it. I'm a perfectionist - I think we've covered that already.  Quickly writing, and posting, every day is like waking up and inviting anxiety in for a cup of coffee. I'm trying to put on the page whatever comes to mind, to not work on it too much. Think, Write, Publish. I'm more comfortable with Think, Write, Read, Think Some More, Edit, Read, Edit, Think...this can go on for days before I'm satisfied enough to let anyone read what I've written. And even then, I'm usually not happy with the end product. If they tell me it's good or how much they liked it, I assume they're just being nice. Yes, this is more than perfectionism, this is a confidence problem. 

Overall, I'm pretty comfortable with who I am. But it's been a long time since I've been comfortable with my writing. Not since I was a little girl and would spend hours writing stories, and scribbling in my diaries. My favorite thing was getting chosen to read one of my stories aloud in class.  Everyone would quietly listen and clap when I was done. (They had to clap, that was the rule - but it was still nice to hear.) If they'd get a tissue off of the teacher's desk after I'd read a sad story, I was thrilled! There was nothing better than making people cry!  This was not mean spirited.  My stories were engaging enough to make people feel something and I loved that.  I knew I was good at these stories when my classmates started getting tissues before I started reading. My parents, my friends, my teachers, all told me I had talent as a writer and I believed them.  

How did I grow out of this confidence? I don't know. I do know that by the time I was a teenager I no longer believed I was good at anything. That story is tissue worthy, but for another day. I majored in Journalism, not because I thought I could be a writer, but because it seemed like a practical degree. I loved my classes, but still didn't think I was "good at it". When assignments would come back with an "A", it actually made me think less of my professors. Didn't they know crap when they saw it? I never wrote anything that wasn't for class. I was busy. And I was scared.

There is a vulnerability in writing and putting my work out there. It's like letting people peak inside my mind.  There are things I keep tucked away in there because they are ugly, hurtful, or sad. There are tender parts of my psyche that could wither in the light. To put words on the page is a risk. If the words aren't good enough, maybe I'm not good enough. Writing is taking the risk of having my greatest doubts realized. 

Suddenly I'm taking that risk every day.  I've learned the greater risk is in not writing, and allowing fear to steal that happiness from me. The happiness isn't in creating something perfect, the happiness is in doing what I love. 

Day 6

Family: get the kids out of the house and do something fun

Friends: have people over

Work: get groceries, and make appetizers 

Writing: do a free write with the prompt "If I were fearless, I would..." 

Habits: try to meet each negative thought with a positive one

Whole Health: go for a walk outside


Update: My good mood didn't last all day. I had an idea of what my evening was going to be like, and it didn't turn out that way. So disappointing. This led to a lot of complaining - I didn't meet that goal. I did meet the others. Today I woke up weepy and dying for chocolate. Just a little bit. Just enough to take the edge off. A couple cups of coffee later and I'm feeling stronger. If anyone tries to make me give up coffee... I don't know what! 

(Remember Mrs. Robinson saying this in "The Graduate"? For some reason, it struck me as so funny when I heard it. It says nothing, but seems like a huge threat. Love it.)

30 Days of Perfection: Day 5 ~ Sweet Feelings

Day 4 was a good day. I finally started to get over my sugar hangover, and I met all of my daily goals.  I even mailed the card! And I made an appointment I've been putting off.  I know it's silly, but I was proud of myself for doing a little extra.

Today started with snow. Yes, snow in April! We do that in Minnesota. It makes everyone miserable. Normally spring snow would send me into a major funk, but not today. I got over it quickly, and have been in a great mood. Happy, energetic, enthusiastic. I don't remember the last time I felt all those things at once.  Maybe it's because the snow melted and the sun came out, or maybe it's because my moods aren't being jerked around by sugar. If this keeps up, my relationship with sugar might truly be over. We'll see. Saying that made me feel a twinge of panic.

That was my hope and my fear with this experiment. I wanted to see if being sugar free would help me feel better.  But if it does, I'll have to choose between feeling good and eating sugar. Just like I had to choose between eating gluten and chronic body aches. You'd think it would be an easy choice. Who wants to feel like crap all the time? I gave up gluten to see if it made a difference in my health. I didn't think it would. I didn't plan on never again eating a regular cookie.  I didn't know that after feeling better off of gluten how bad my reaction would be when I accidentally I ate something that wasn't gluten free. It's awful enough that I know gluten and I are done. It's weird to miss something that makes you sick, but I do miss it. Every day. I'm not excited about mourning the loss of sugar too. Maybe I won't have to. I'll think about that on May 6.

The other day when my friend and I were catching up over coffee, I mentioned how scheduling our coffee date had been one of my goals. "Oh, so getting together was a chore to check off of your list?!" She was joking, but it was one of those jokes with a hint of truth. That is absolutely not the deal with the people or relationships that might pop up in my daily goals. If you find yourself in my goals it's because you're important to me and our relationship is a priority for me.  It can be easy for me to get caught up in my own stuff, and let my friendships slide. I'm working on that.  Know that no matter what is going on with me, I always have time for you and don't know what I'd do without you.

Day 5

Family: ask Mark out on a date (honey, this is not a chore!)

Friends: make weekend plans

Work: run the kids here, there, and everywhere

Writing: go to Writing Group

Habits: go the entire night without complaining 

Whole Health: meditate for 5 minutes

30 Days of Perfection: Day 4 ~ Good Enough

Day 3 was my opportunity to embrace “good enough”. The only goal I actually met was “list 5 things I’m grateful for” - I think it took me two minutes.  I get an “A” for effort even if it was minimal. The other five things were thought about, maybe started, but not completed. 

The new screen plan - had to revise it because of other things we had going on last night. The kids had less screen time overall, but more than I’d like, so I’m going to give myself a “C+” on that one. 

I bought the card I’d been meaning to buy, wrote in it, and that’s as far as I got. Sadly, this is as far as most of the cards I buy get. They usually languish on the counter waiting for an address and a stamp until the moment is so far gone that they end up in the garbage. I’ll give myself a “C” for buying the card when I said I would, and because I will find a stamp and mail it today.

Laundry. Does anyone have a laundress anymore?  It’s hard to imagine that there are people who never have to do laundry (hmm, three of those people live in my house).  I didn’t do ALL the laundry but I did do most of it.  I even got things from the dryer, to the basket, and then from the basket to the drawers and closets before the wrinkles set in. This is so huge for me it gets a “B+”.

Found out I’m not reading on Friday, so cheerfully checked off “work on revisions” without doing anything. I did have to send an email to get this information...“D+”.

If you were to ask anyone that knows me well to describe me in five words, “procrastinator” would probably be one of them. It’s the core of this experiment. 

Here’s how it goes...I need to do something. Yep, I really have to get that done.  I don’t want to do it. I don’t feel like it. I’ll do it eventually. It’ll get done, but not now. I don’t want to do it right now. When is it due? How long will it take me to do it? Take the due date, subtract how long it will take me to do it, and that’s when I’ll start. While I’m waiting for the last possible moment to begin, knowing I have to do it makes me almost as uncomfortable as carrying a paper bag (You know, because paper bags feel scratchy, rough, and are kinda crunchy - irritating enough to give you a shiver. It’s not so awful that you won’t touch them, but you avoid it if you can. You don’t know? Well, trust me, it’s uncomfortable.) 

But I still carry this little “to-do” for as long as possible before the panic sets in, and I frantically work to get it done. This is how I’ve always done things. I could argue that I work well under pressure. That it works for me.  There’s truth in those arguements.  I rarely miss a deadline. I was successful in school and at work. So what’s the problem? It drives me crazy!  Maybe the end product would be better if I spent more time - or maybe it wouldn’t. Maybe I should embrace this character trait instead of seeing it as a flaw. As long as it gets done, and gets done well, why does it have to get done early?  If it doesn’t get done at all, maybe it wasn’t important and I shouldn’t worry about it. I’m a procrastinator and proud of it! (Yeah, I’m not buying it. I’ll give it some more thought - later.) For this daily goal I get a “C+”. The “C” is for execution the “+” is for effort. I did think about it. 

I’m looking at a “C” on meeting my daily goals. This doesn’t feel “good enough”. This feels like underachieving. Like settling. Take a deep breath. This is average. It’s doing well on some things and not so great on others.  Wait! I get an “A+” on being sugar free. And an “A” for trying to meet all my goals. For Day 3, I get a “B”! 

Good enough. 

Day 4

Family: find out when Luke’s English paper is due, and help him make a plan to get it done (procrastination does not work for Luke)

Friends: send that card

Work: check one thing off the “maintenance” list

Writing: write for an hour (Done!! It took me longer than that to write this!)

Habits: don’t check social media or news sites again until 5:00

Whole Health: take all my supplements

Sugar Free Update: I still felt sick yesterday. Woke up feeling better this morning. Hoping I’ve gotten through the detox phase. The hardest thing yesterday was going to Target. That place is a candy minefield! I had to go in, get what I needed, and get out before I had time to grab a bag of M&M’s. Left Target with only the things on my list - I should get extra credit for that!

30 Days of Perfection: Day 3 ~ Sugar Hangover

Is there such a thing as a sugar hangover? Pretty sure I have one. Yesterday I spent the whole day tired, achy, nauseous, dizzy, and sweaty. I didn’t expect to be sweaty - gross.  I practically had the shakes, and my brain was so foggy I had a hard time forming sentences. Not much better today, forgive me if...what? this entry sucks? I ramble on aimlessly? I don’t make any sense? All of the above - I can’t pick. Hopefully, my body is detoxing and I’ll feel better in another day or two. My only craving for sugar yesterday was medicinal. Just a handful of M&M’s and I’m sure I’d feel better. The thing is, it’s never just one handful. If I open a bag, I’ll be reaching for handfuls until it’s empty.  Instead, I drank a ton of water, and resolved to get through it. So here I am, words fluttering in my head like butterflies I can’t catch. Fucking butterflies. Did I mention I’m a little crabby? 

Despite feeling like a junky in rehab, I did manage to meet my daily goals. Though I cheated a little, and passed the first one off on my husband.

“You’re going to beat me home. When you get there, please tell the kids they need to take a screen break. It’s one of my goals, but I’m too sick to fight. Don’t tell them it’s my idea. I’m not in the mood to be the bad guy.” 

When I walked in the door, I was met with, “The gig is up. They saw right through your ruse. They kept asking me who put me up to it, and I cracked.”

“Really, Mom? Like we’re going to believe a screen break is Dad’s idea. He doesn’t care about that stuff.” 

And there’s the crux of the problem. I’m the only one that worries about how much time the kids spend on screens. I’ve tried setting up all kinds of rules and limits over the years, but nothing works. Most of the plans involve me policing the kids, and after a few days, they wear me down and I give up. I know this is not stellar parenting. In most things, I’m pretty good about being consistent and following through, but not this. Without back up and some level of cooperation from the kids, it’s exhausting. Maybe Mark’s right - we grew up watching TV all the time and we turned out o.k. 

After a tirade of snapping at the kids to do this and that, I escaped to read the chapter I’d said I’d read. Ben came into my room and asked, “What’s going on? Why do you seem so stressed and strict all the sudden?”  I explained about the daily goals and the sugar withdrawal, and why it’s important to me to try and do the things I think I should be doing. “Mom, you do lots of stuff you should do. Maybe this stuff doesn’t matter.” I agreed, maybe it doesn’t, and maybe that’s what I’ll learn this month. 

I also called him out on trying to trick me into giving up on limiting screen time. I do think that matters. To my surprise, he agreed. We talked about the plans we’ve tried before, and which one Ben thought was most likely to work. They can have screens for an hour after they get home to unwind, and then from 7:00 to 9:00. That leaves about three hours for dinner, homework, and other activities. O.k. we’ll try it again. “Mom, you just have to make us do it. Don’t give up after a few days. We’ll get used to it.” Good advice. Ben has a reputation for being an old man in a boy's body. 

Day Three

Family: start new screen plan

Friends: buy and send a card I’ve been meaning to send

Work: do the laundry

(Can I do ALL the laundry in one day? I’m not making any promises, but I’ll give it a shot.)

Writing: work on revisions on something to read at Writing Group on Friday

Habits: don’t procrastinate

Whole Health: list 5 things I’m grateful for 

P.S. Who are these people?  

Mark - husband of 20 years

Luke - 15 year old son (Luke has autism.  It doesn’t define him, but knowing that information helps in understanding our story)

Ben - 12 year old son

30 Days of Perfection: Day 2 ~ Time Sucks

Despite the clearance Easter candy that was calling to me, and the bag of chocolate chips the kids left on the counter, I got through Day 1 of being sugar free. Didn't notice any withdrawal symptoms which was nice. Wasn't a crazy bitch which I'm sure my family appreciated. And I successfully completed most of my daily goals.

The one that tripped me up - not letting the computer be a time suck. Gonna have to keep working on that one. I honestly don't know where the time goes when I get in front of that screen. I start clicking around and I've lost an hour. "Lost In Cyberspace" - could be a good Twilight Zone episode or maybe a SNL skit. Anyway, I was successful at being aware of how much time I was wasting so that's something. 

Might be related to sugar withdrawal - didn't sleep well, got up crabby, kinda have a headache, feel foggy...or it might be PMS. 

What I learned - I should turn the computer off to cut down on random visits. I remembered I actually like fruits and vegetables. I can go a day without candy without losing my shit. 

Have to quickly wrap this up and get to that coffee date...

Day Two

Family: have the kids take more screen breaks

Friends: finalize plans with Julie

Work: read a chapter in "Yes, Your Teenager Is Crazy"

Writing: do journal writing at the end of the day

Habits: try again with the computer/time thing

Whole Health: eat 1 fruit/1 vegetable and drink 8 glasses of water

30 Days of Perfection: Day 1 ~ What Am I Doing?

How is this going to work? Maybe I should have figured out more of the details before my start date. Oh well, here I am. Day one of my 30 perfect days.  I’m a little overwhelmed.  The idea for this experiment came to me in a mini-breakdown. Maybe not the best place to make life changing decisions. 

When I’m stressed, my first impulse is to hide in a giant gluten-free chocolate cupcake. Unfortunately, those can be hard to come by. My second impulse is to completely change my life. To find control in the chaos. My mind spun with “should do’s” to make my life more structured, more productive...more in control. I frantically started a list of all the random thoughts. “Eat fruit and veggies, practice self hypnosis, walk, take fish oil, throw a party...”  The more I wrote, the calmer I felt. I stopped listing everything that popped into my head, and came up with the pieces of my life that each thing fit into. The ideas seemed doable. These are the little things that I know I should do, but don't.  I’d already decided that I was going to experiment with being sugar free for 30 days. What if I just added some of the things from the list? 

“Isn’t the sugar thing enough?”

“Aren’t you setting yourself up for failure?” 

“What if you don’t meet your goals? Are you going to beat yourself up about it?” 

“Do you need a giant cupcake?” 

These concerns were valid and from people that know me well.  But once I’d settled down and went back over my lists, I still felt like I wanted to do this, and more importantly, that I could do it.

The sugar thing is actually huge. It's part of the daily goals, but also its own experiment. I went sugar free for a month a couple of years ago and declared I would never subject myself to that torture again. I was hoping being sugar free would help with some health issues. It didn’t. But I'd also had a habit of pretzels, crackers, and a nightly cosmo. So even though I wasn’t eating cookies and candy for that month, I wasn’t really sugar free. I’ve been gluten free for two years (I gave up gluten for the same health reasons, and it did help enough that I didn’t go back) and maybe have a cosmo once a month. My health still isn’t what I’d like it to be, so I decided to try the sugar thing again. I’m starting after Easter, because I have a weakness for jelly beans that would have surely been my downfall. 

I’m not worried about failing in this experiment, because I’m viewing it as a learning experience. However it turns out at least I’ll know I tried.  As a life long procrastinator, this is huge.  The frustration of knowing I should do something, but not making myself do it, is crazy making. If nothing else, I will have gotten past that. I can’t lose. 

It’s not forever.  It’s just a month. I’ve had my last cupcake, M&M, and jelly bean and am ready to do this!

Day One

Family: make dinner before taking Ben to class; no take-out

Friends: schedule a coffee date

Work: (I’m a stay-at-home-mom) check in with my 9th grader’s special ed case manager (my older son has autism)

Writing: write for one hour 

Habits: don’t let the computer be a time-suck. do what you need to do on it and walk away

Whole Health: eat one fruit and vegetable today (umm, yeah, this is an actual goal)