30 Days of Perfection: Day 30 ~ Sweet Reunion

Opening the freezer door, I was greeted with the sugary treasures I’ve been hoarding for the past month. Two “Death by Chocolate” mini cakes and a raspberry mascarpone torte in a clear pastry box sat next to a lonely gluten-free cupcake on a party plate wrapped in plastic. To make the cupcake feel special, I chose it as my celebratory “I’m done with this fucking experiment” prize and set it on the counter to defrost for breakfast. 

To my credit, when I woke up, I did not run to it like a kid on Christmas morning. I waited for just the right moment to break my sugar fast. Anticipating it’s rich goodness, I went about my morning busyness. It’s a carrot cake cupcake - not my favorite. Doesn’t matter. It has frosting! 

After I pushed the children out the door for school, I made a fresh cup of coffee, placed the cupcake in front of me, and prepared to savor my reward for a month of deprivation. I closed my eyes to limit my senses to the velvet creaminess of the first bite. The intense sweetness was almost too much. I slowly had two more bites and put down the fork. I swear I can feel the sugar in my bloodstream hitting my brain (right behind my left eye). I feel a little dizzy, and in a moment of panic think, “Oh my god, what if I can’t go back to sugar? What if it makes me sick?” I’ll just ease back into it. A couple bites now, a couple bites later. I can do this. I will not live a life without sugar! 

The minor improvements to my emotional and physical health were not worth the frustration and resentment of being sugar free.  It's not the secret to health and happiness for me. Sugar isn’t a super villain wrecking havoc on my life. It’s just something I like to eat. As long as I enjoy it like a reasonable adult, and not a desperate junky, I don’t need to put it on my ever growing list of “I Can’t Have’s”. What I definitely can’t have is a life of suffocating restrictions. I’m done with sugar shaming myself. It’s ok to cut loose with a handful of M&M’s every now and then. Like today. I’m definitely buying dark chocolate M&M’s today. Sugar, how I’ve missed you! Welcome back!!   

30 Days of Perfection: Day 20 ~ The Breakup

Dear Blogging, 

I hate to do this in a letter, but, really, what choice do I have?  We need to talk.  You know how much I care about you, right?  We've had some good times the last few weeks.  You've been patient and supportive in ways nothing else could be.  Without you, I'm not sure I would've had the strength to get through those first painful days without Sugar.  You, and the Daily Goals, have helped me to grow as a person in ways I never expected.  You've been there for me when I needed you, and that means so much.  

But this isn't working out.  Given the way things have been lately, I doubt this comes as a surprise.  You need more than I can give right now.  You deserve more.  I told you in the beginning that I wanted to keep this casual.  To just have some fun. Lately, trying to find the time to be with you, and the right things to say, has felt more like work.  I think we're just in different places.  Maybe some day we can try again.  But right now, I need to take some time for me, to figure some things out.  Just because we won't be hanging out every day, doesn't mean we can't be friends.  I know how much you care about my 30 days experiment.  Don't worry, I'm going to see it through.  I'll check in once in awhile, and I'll let you know how it turns out. Maybe we can get together for coffee when it's over?  I will miss you, but I need to let you go.  Take care of yourself.

Love,
Katie 

30 Days of Perfection:Day 19 ~ Yawn

It's killing me.  Seriously, I may die from exhaustion.  My alarm is set for 7:00, but my body is waking up at 5:00.  Why?  I look at the clock and moan.  Maybe I'll go back to sleep this time.

There's no way I'm going back to sleep.  The sun is starting to come up.  The coffee is calling.  "Let's go, let's go," my mind cheers.  No.  I don't want to go.  I want to sleep.  Please go back to sleep.  I'll count backwards from 100 until I fall asleep.  I get to 92 before my thoughts drift to coffee.

I can have coffee in two hours, after I sleep.  I don't need coffee now.  But I could have it now, and enjoy the quiet peacefulness of the house before anyone else gets up.  I'm actually a morning person.  I love the still solitude of early mornings.  My body does not.  My body is a fitful sleeper and is forever in need of just one more hour.  At 6:00 I give up, and make my first cup of coffee.

Day 19

Family: no screens until the History missing assignments are complete

Work: Listen to Prof. Lorimer Moseley's pain seminar on YouTube

Writing: Friday writing group

Habits: be more patient

Whole Health: do back exercises

"B-" for yesterday. Parent/Student conferences are my version of hell. Hard to put a positive spin on that. And I forgot to meditate - again.

30 Days of Perfection: Day 18 ~ Blogging Blahs

Blogging doesn't have any energy for me today. (That's writers' speak for "I don't feel like doing it.")  Blogging every day was not an official part of the 30 Days experiment. The original idea was to give a an update and a grade to the previous day, and set my goals for that day.

So here's the update:  Yesterday I met all of my goals ~ "A".  Somehow a 30 minute meal took me 2 hours to make, serve, eat, and clean up. This is why I don't cook.

Today I've decided being sugar-free hasn't made any great changes in the quality of my life.  Nothing that out weighs the happiness chocolate brings me. Two weeks from today sugar and I will be reunited. I'm counting down the days!

Day 18

Family: B's class, L's conferences

Work: running here, there, and everywhere

Writing: do a free write

Habits: focus on the positive at L's conferences

Whole Health: meditate 5 minutes

30 Days of Perfection: Day 17 ~ Tick Tock

Time, time, time, see what's become of me... "Hazy Shade of Winter" is this moments soundtrack. The Bangles' version not Simon & Garfunkel's, though I like that version too. I was thinking about how to get the most out of my time - and then the song started playing in my head.

While I look around for my possibilities, I was so hard to please... that about covers it.  Searching for the perfect things to do uses up a ridiculous amount of my free time.  There isn't much wiggle room with the time spent on "have to do's".   If I've got this one chunk of time today for myself, should I write? Should I go for a walk? Call friends? Watch House of Cards? Finish that book on parenting teens that I've been reading forever. Seriously, my kids will be out of the house before I finish learning how not to screw them up. The damage will already be done, and I will have wasted all that time.

I'll start one thing and then jump into something else. Before I know it, it's time to pick up the kids or leave for that appointment. Damnit! Add a spoonful of procrastination on top of my dish of indecision, and nothing gets done. Wasting my own time is frustrating, but it's unbearable when someone else does it.

Useless time takers tax my patience. Sitting in traffic. Standing in line. Listening to the questions and answers portion of a presentation. This is the most detested time waster. It started in school, when someone would ask a question that had already been answered. I'd roll my eyes and squirm in my seat, while the teacher repeated the information to the kid that should have been paying attention.

It grew in college, when that one guy (or girl) would ask questions for the sole purpose of hearing himself talk or attempting to prove how smart/deep he was. It didn't take long to pinpoint these people. If I saw them gearing up for a self-indulgent soliloquy, I'd sneak out of the room. I just couldn't stand it. I had better things to do with my time.

Now, as a parent, there is nothing worse than sitting in a school meeting when they start taking questions. Yes, someone may ask a question that I'd been thinking about, but this rarely happens.  Usually the questions are trivial, or specific to their own child. Why spend all of our time asking things like "When will they bring home their gym clothes?" Umm, when they start to stink. Or "When is lunch?" Surely, they must understand that there is no way for the presenter to know which lunch period will be in their child's schedule, and that all the possible lunch times are listed on the school website.  More eye rolling, more squirming. I tell myself if one more person asks one more dumb question I'm leaving. "So when are school pictures?" That date is not set 6 months in advance, and who the hell cares? I'm out.

Don't they know that I have no time to waste on silly questions, that I need that time for my indecision? For reading a little, writing a little, and doing a little of nothing much. I need that time to make lists of the things I need to do today, and then putting them off until tomorrow.  Their attempts at wasting my time are sophomoric. I'm the time wastin' fuckin' master.

Day 17

Family: check in on school/homework

Work: make dinner

Writing: write for one hour

Habits: make a to-do list and do it

Whole Health: meditate for 5 minutes

The grade for Day 16 = "B". I put off checking in on school/homework. It never goes well. I wasn't up for it. I'll summons the strength and do it today. I tried to hook up that thing on the floor, but there were too many wires. I did make an appointment to have someone do it for me. I did everything else, including meditating. Didn't get to it until bedtime, but I did it without falling asleep. It was a good transition between doing all those end of the day things and going to bed. Is this the best time to meditate? Do I need a set time to make it a habit? I'll keep working on it.

30 Days of Perfection: Day 16 ~ The World of Granny Sports

"See how your spine curves up here to the right? And then it curves down here to the left and rotates to the inside? Yeah, that's going to cause some muscle pain." Suddenly, I'm part of the Louis C.K. bit "Incurable Shitty Ankle". If you're over 40 and haven't seen this, look it up on YouTube. It's hilarious and so true. The gist of it is that as we get older our bodies start breaking down, and what we're likely to hear from the doctors is "That's just shitty now. You can do some exercises, but that's pretty much how it's going to be. Until you die."

That's what I heard yesterday. It wasn't new news. I've known I have scoliosis since I was a kid, but it didn't cause any real trouble until my 30's. My back pain has been gradually getting worse so I thought I'd have it checked out again, in case there was something new wrong with it - something I could actually treat and fix. Nope, it's just shitty.

"Looking at you, I wouldn't think your scoliosis was this bad." Well, that's something I guess. But what will I look like at 70? If my back continues to rotate a degree every year, as she told me it could, can it twist itself into a helix? Do I end up looking like a walking pretzel or a misshapen puzzle piece?

I asked if there was a chance I could strengthen it enough that I might be able to play tennis again?  I loved playing tennis. I had taken lessons and was just starting to play a lot, when my back really freaked out for the first time a few years ago. I haven't played since.

"Hmm, your back isn't going to like it. But if you slowly build up some flexibility, you might be able to lob the ball back and forth a little bit."

I envisioned myself standing still in one spot facing the net.  The ball comes right to me, and softly bounces on the court.  My body doesn't move, but my raquet moves forward enough to make contact with the ball, which barely makes it back over the net. I do this a dozen times and go home. This is not what I think of as "playing tennis", but I remind myself it's better than nothing.  When I shared this prognosis with my friend, Ali, she quickly offered to be the one feeding the balls over the net as soon as I was ready. You know someone is a good friend when they're happy to play granny sports with you.

I am truly grateful for the people who love me enough to put up with my decrepitness, and for all the things I can do - shitty back or not.

Day 16

Family: check in on school/homework

Friends: return calls

Work: pick up the house

Writing: write for one hour

Habits: stop procrastinating on hooking up that thing that's been sitting on the floor for weeks to the T.V.

Whole Health: meditate for 5 minutes

Day 15 gets an "A-". I did make the calls I've been meaning to make, but I didn't have much time to talk. The upside is that having such a busy day didn't give me an opportunity to procrastinate.  I wrote for an hour and made dinner (which I left in the fridge on plates covered and labeled for each person!). The meditating actually happened. This may become my daily goal for Whole Health. It's something that I struggle to make happen, but when I do I'm reminded how important it is to take time to quiet my mind and be still.  Maybe if I do if for the next 14 days it'll become a habit. I've noticed that I don't think as much about being sugar free, hopefully this means I can coast to the finish line. Wouldn't that be lovely?

30 Days of Perfection: Day 15 ~ Half Way!!

Half way done - or another half to go, depends on your perspective, but I'm trying to be more positive so - I've made it half way through!  I'm proud of myself for making it this far.

Why does that sound odd? I'm proud of myself for... I did a good job... I'm happy with... These are things I don't often hear myself or my friends say. We usually present our accomplishments with disclaimers. It's not great, but... I don't really like it, but... But here it is, this thing I've done.  I'm telling you it's crap, before you can tell me it's crap. Ha! Beat you to it! You don't have the power to knock it down a few notches, because I already did.

We clearly buy into the saying that "the best defense is a good offense".  I'm guilty of doing this, but it pains me when my friends do it.  I want them to feel good about the things they do. To not be so hard on themselves. To give themselves more credit. I want them to love themselves as much as I love them. And I know they want the same for me. These are gifts that we give each other, but find so hard to give ourselves.

It feels awkward to say "I'm proud of myself for..." because we don't do it enough. We should do it more. We should say it until it sounds natural, until it's normal.  I'm not suggesting any of us go dancing down the street singing a song of self congratulations. "I'm soooo great! La ti da! I'm soooo wonderful! La ti da! I'm the best! La, la, la!!" Some would say we should do this, but let's be real, the singer of that song isn't going to have many friends.  What I'm suggesting is that we not hold ourselves back at the gate.  Take off and see how you do. If you do well, be proud of yourself. Say it out loud. It's o.k.

I'm proud of myself for sticking with this experiment. For setting goals and working to reach them. I haven't always succeeded, but I've tried and I'm happy with that.  Now, if you want to sing my praises feel free. Who doesn't love that song?

Day 15

Family: take time on phone calls

Friends: call my b/f/f

Work: make dinner ahead of time

Writing: write for one hour

Habits: don't procrastinate

Whole Health: meditate for 5 minutes

Day 14 was a "C" day. I did half the things I set as goals. The easily measured things - coffee date, get groceries, write my blog post. Done. Screen breaks - didn't even try. We were in the van for 5 hours. I was happy spending time with Mark. The kids were happy doing there own thing. I didn't want to rock the boat. So many issues in that, but that's the choice I made in the moment. Be patient - ha! Who can be patient traveling with teenagers? I wasn't particularly not patient, but the time it took for our lunch/restroom break was excessive. We ate in the car, it's not like we sat down in the restaurants. Yes, I said "restaurants" - plural. One kid wants this, the other kid wants that. The restaurants are near each other. Why not make everyone happy? Because it takes forever!  Meditate - hmm, after lunch would have been a good time, but it didn't happen. Tried to do it at bedtime, but I fell asleep. Better luck today!