30 Days of Perfection: Day 4 ~ Good Enough

Day 3 was my opportunity to embrace “good enough”. The only goal I actually met was “list 5 things I’m grateful for” - I think it took me two minutes.  I get an “A” for effort even if it was minimal. The other five things were thought about, maybe started, but not completed. 

The new screen plan - had to revise it because of other things we had going on last night. The kids had less screen time overall, but more than I’d like, so I’m going to give myself a “C+” on that one. 

I bought the card I’d been meaning to buy, wrote in it, and that’s as far as I got. Sadly, this is as far as most of the cards I buy get. They usually languish on the counter waiting for an address and a stamp until the moment is so far gone that they end up in the garbage. I’ll give myself a “C” for buying the card when I said I would, and because I will find a stamp and mail it today.

Laundry. Does anyone have a laundress anymore?  It’s hard to imagine that there are people who never have to do laundry (hmm, three of those people live in my house).  I didn’t do ALL the laundry but I did do most of it.  I even got things from the dryer, to the basket, and then from the basket to the drawers and closets before the wrinkles set in. This is so huge for me it gets a “B+”.

Found out I’m not reading on Friday, so cheerfully checked off “work on revisions” without doing anything. I did have to send an email to get this information...“D+”.

If you were to ask anyone that knows me well to describe me in five words, “procrastinator” would probably be one of them. It’s the core of this experiment. 

Here’s how it goes...I need to do something. Yep, I really have to get that done.  I don’t want to do it. I don’t feel like it. I’ll do it eventually. It’ll get done, but not now. I don’t want to do it right now. When is it due? How long will it take me to do it? Take the due date, subtract how long it will take me to do it, and that’s when I’ll start. While I’m waiting for the last possible moment to begin, knowing I have to do it makes me almost as uncomfortable as carrying a paper bag (You know, because paper bags feel scratchy, rough, and are kinda crunchy - irritating enough to give you a shiver. It’s not so awful that you won’t touch them, but you avoid it if you can. You don’t know? Well, trust me, it’s uncomfortable.) 

But I still carry this little “to-do” for as long as possible before the panic sets in, and I frantically work to get it done. This is how I’ve always done things. I could argue that I work well under pressure. That it works for me.  There’s truth in those arguements.  I rarely miss a deadline. I was successful in school and at work. So what’s the problem? It drives me crazy!  Maybe the end product would be better if I spent more time - or maybe it wouldn’t. Maybe I should embrace this character trait instead of seeing it as a flaw. As long as it gets done, and gets done well, why does it have to get done early?  If it doesn’t get done at all, maybe it wasn’t important and I shouldn’t worry about it. I’m a procrastinator and proud of it! (Yeah, I’m not buying it. I’ll give it some more thought - later.) For this daily goal I get a “C+”. The “C” is for execution the “+” is for effort. I did think about it. 

I’m looking at a “C” on meeting my daily goals. This doesn’t feel “good enough”. This feels like underachieving. Like settling. Take a deep breath. This is average. It’s doing well on some things and not so great on others.  Wait! I get an “A+” on being sugar free. And an “A” for trying to meet all my goals. For Day 3, I get a “B”! 

Good enough. 

Day 4

Family: find out when Luke’s English paper is due, and help him make a plan to get it done (procrastination does not work for Luke)

Friends: send that card

Work: check one thing off the “maintenance” list

Writing: write for an hour (Done!! It took me longer than that to write this!)

Habits: don’t check social media or news sites again until 5:00

Whole Health: take all my supplements

Sugar Free Update: I still felt sick yesterday. Woke up feeling better this morning. Hoping I’ve gotten through the detox phase. The hardest thing yesterday was going to Target. That place is a candy minefield! I had to go in, get what I needed, and get out before I had time to grab a bag of M&M’s. Left Target with only the things on my list - I should get extra credit for that!

30 Days of Perfection: Day 3 ~ Sugar Hangover

Is there such a thing as a sugar hangover? Pretty sure I have one. Yesterday I spent the whole day tired, achy, nauseous, dizzy, and sweaty. I didn’t expect to be sweaty - gross.  I practically had the shakes, and my brain was so foggy I had a hard time forming sentences. Not much better today, forgive me if...what? this entry sucks? I ramble on aimlessly? I don’t make any sense? All of the above - I can’t pick. Hopefully, my body is detoxing and I’ll feel better in another day or two. My only craving for sugar yesterday was medicinal. Just a handful of M&M’s and I’m sure I’d feel better. The thing is, it’s never just one handful. If I open a bag, I’ll be reaching for handfuls until it’s empty.  Instead, I drank a ton of water, and resolved to get through it. So here I am, words fluttering in my head like butterflies I can’t catch. Fucking butterflies. Did I mention I’m a little crabby? 

Despite feeling like a junky in rehab, I did manage to meet my daily goals. Though I cheated a little, and passed the first one off on my husband.

“You’re going to beat me home. When you get there, please tell the kids they need to take a screen break. It’s one of my goals, but I’m too sick to fight. Don’t tell them it’s my idea. I’m not in the mood to be the bad guy.” 

When I walked in the door, I was met with, “The gig is up. They saw right through your ruse. They kept asking me who put me up to it, and I cracked.”

“Really, Mom? Like we’re going to believe a screen break is Dad’s idea. He doesn’t care about that stuff.” 

And there’s the crux of the problem. I’m the only one that worries about how much time the kids spend on screens. I’ve tried setting up all kinds of rules and limits over the years, but nothing works. Most of the plans involve me policing the kids, and after a few days, they wear me down and I give up. I know this is not stellar parenting. In most things, I’m pretty good about being consistent and following through, but not this. Without back up and some level of cooperation from the kids, it’s exhausting. Maybe Mark’s right - we grew up watching TV all the time and we turned out o.k. 

After a tirade of snapping at the kids to do this and that, I escaped to read the chapter I’d said I’d read. Ben came into my room and asked, “What’s going on? Why do you seem so stressed and strict all the sudden?”  I explained about the daily goals and the sugar withdrawal, and why it’s important to me to try and do the things I think I should be doing. “Mom, you do lots of stuff you should do. Maybe this stuff doesn’t matter.” I agreed, maybe it doesn’t, and maybe that’s what I’ll learn this month. 

I also called him out on trying to trick me into giving up on limiting screen time. I do think that matters. To my surprise, he agreed. We talked about the plans we’ve tried before, and which one Ben thought was most likely to work. They can have screens for an hour after they get home to unwind, and then from 7:00 to 9:00. That leaves about three hours for dinner, homework, and other activities. O.k. we’ll try it again. “Mom, you just have to make us do it. Don’t give up after a few days. We’ll get used to it.” Good advice. Ben has a reputation for being an old man in a boy's body. 

Day Three

Family: start new screen plan

Friends: buy and send a card I’ve been meaning to send

Work: do the laundry

(Can I do ALL the laundry in one day? I’m not making any promises, but I’ll give it a shot.)

Writing: work on revisions on something to read at Writing Group on Friday

Habits: don’t procrastinate

Whole Health: list 5 things I’m grateful for 

P.S. Who are these people?  

Mark - husband of 20 years

Luke - 15 year old son (Luke has autism.  It doesn’t define him, but knowing that information helps in understanding our story)

Ben - 12 year old son

30 Days of Perfection: Day 2 ~ Time Sucks

Despite the clearance Easter candy that was calling to me, and the bag of chocolate chips the kids left on the counter, I got through Day 1 of being sugar free. Didn't notice any withdrawal symptoms which was nice. Wasn't a crazy bitch which I'm sure my family appreciated. And I successfully completed most of my daily goals.

The one that tripped me up - not letting the computer be a time suck. Gonna have to keep working on that one. I honestly don't know where the time goes when I get in front of that screen. I start clicking around and I've lost an hour. "Lost In Cyberspace" - could be a good Twilight Zone episode or maybe a SNL skit. Anyway, I was successful at being aware of how much time I was wasting so that's something. 

Might be related to sugar withdrawal - didn't sleep well, got up crabby, kinda have a headache, feel foggy...or it might be PMS. 

What I learned - I should turn the computer off to cut down on random visits. I remembered I actually like fruits and vegetables. I can go a day without candy without losing my shit. 

Have to quickly wrap this up and get to that coffee date...

Day Two

Family: have the kids take more screen breaks

Friends: finalize plans with Julie

Work: read a chapter in "Yes, Your Teenager Is Crazy"

Writing: do journal writing at the end of the day

Habits: try again with the computer/time thing

Whole Health: eat 1 fruit/1 vegetable and drink 8 glasses of water

30 Days of Perfection: Day 1 ~ What Am I Doing?

How is this going to work? Maybe I should have figured out more of the details before my start date. Oh well, here I am. Day one of my 30 perfect days.  I’m a little overwhelmed.  The idea for this experiment came to me in a mini-breakdown. Maybe not the best place to make life changing decisions. 

When I’m stressed, my first impulse is to hide in a giant gluten-free chocolate cupcake. Unfortunately, those can be hard to come by. My second impulse is to completely change my life. To find control in the chaos. My mind spun with “should do’s” to make my life more structured, more productive...more in control. I frantically started a list of all the random thoughts. “Eat fruit and veggies, practice self hypnosis, walk, take fish oil, throw a party...”  The more I wrote, the calmer I felt. I stopped listing everything that popped into my head, and came up with the pieces of my life that each thing fit into. The ideas seemed doable. These are the little things that I know I should do, but don't.  I’d already decided that I was going to experiment with being sugar free for 30 days. What if I just added some of the things from the list? 

“Isn’t the sugar thing enough?”

“Aren’t you setting yourself up for failure?” 

“What if you don’t meet your goals? Are you going to beat yourself up about it?” 

“Do you need a giant cupcake?” 

These concerns were valid and from people that know me well.  But once I’d settled down and went back over my lists, I still felt like I wanted to do this, and more importantly, that I could do it.

The sugar thing is actually huge. It's part of the daily goals, but also its own experiment. I went sugar free for a month a couple of years ago and declared I would never subject myself to that torture again. I was hoping being sugar free would help with some health issues. It didn’t. But I'd also had a habit of pretzels, crackers, and a nightly cosmo. So even though I wasn’t eating cookies and candy for that month, I wasn’t really sugar free. I’ve been gluten free for two years (I gave up gluten for the same health reasons, and it did help enough that I didn’t go back) and maybe have a cosmo once a month. My health still isn’t what I’d like it to be, so I decided to try the sugar thing again. I’m starting after Easter, because I have a weakness for jelly beans that would have surely been my downfall. 

I’m not worried about failing in this experiment, because I’m viewing it as a learning experience. However it turns out at least I’ll know I tried.  As a life long procrastinator, this is huge.  The frustration of knowing I should do something, but not making myself do it, is crazy making. If nothing else, I will have gotten past that. I can’t lose. 

It’s not forever.  It’s just a month. I’ve had my last cupcake, M&M, and jelly bean and am ready to do this!

Day One

Family: make dinner before taking Ben to class; no take-out

Friends: schedule a coffee date

Work: (I’m a stay-at-home-mom) check in with my 9th grader’s special ed case manager (my older son has autism)

Writing: write for one hour 

Habits: don’t let the computer be a time-suck. do what you need to do on it and walk away

Whole Health: eat one fruit and vegetable today (umm, yeah, this is an actual goal)

30 Days of Perfection

If I did the things I know I should do for my health, my family, my friends - my life, what would happen? If I did everything right...is that even possible? Does anyone do that? What if I did it for one month? What if I made a list in the morning of the perfect day and I did all the things on my list every day for a month? 

What is a perfect day? It would be a day where I grew, moved forward, learned something. A day that ends without “should have’s” keeping me awake.  In Martin Short’s memoir (which is entertaining, and surprisingly insightful) he talks about occasionaly evaluating his life in 9 categories. He's happy if he's doing well in most of them and working on the others.  Along the same lines, I’m going to break my life down into pieces that I continually need to work on. For each piece I’ll set a daily goal.  The idea isn’t to complete the tasks “perfectly” - I’m not, nor am I interested in being, a Stepford wife. The idea is to give it my best effort. To try. 

Part of the perfect day is growing from failure. Learning to fail gracefully and embracing “good enough”. To honestly try versus wishing I had. In a perfect day, I would be kind to myself, make others happy, and be grateful. Most of all at the end of a perfect day, I would be just a little bit further along than I was at the beginning. I wouldn’t be stuck, and left wishing I’d done it differently. 

The pieces of my life for daily goals...

1. Family

2. Friends

3. Work

4. Writing 

5. Habits

6. Whole Health 

  

For the next 30 days the biggest goal for my health is to eliminate straight up sugar (candy, chocolate, ice cream, etc)  I’m a sugar addict. I’m fascinated by the power of nutrition on health, and love nothing more than to read about the evils of sugar while eating through a bowl of dark chocolate M&M’s. I’m especially excited about this part of my experiment because several of my friends have promised to get clean with me.  We want to see how our health, moods, and well being are affected (or not affected) by being sugar free. If it doesn’t seem to make much of a difference we can gleefully dive back into that bowl of M&M’s at the end of the month guilt free. If it does make a difference (which I’m pretty confident it will), we’ll have to decide what kind of relationship we want to have with sugar going forward. I would love it if they would share their experiences here! 

The objective of this experiment is to see if it’s possible to live the life that I always think I should. If it is, to start doing it. To stop being stuck and move forward. If it’s not, to let go of the guilt, anxiety, and frustration caused by the dream and to be comfortable in my reality. 

I’m going to finish this last bag of jelly beans today, and start my 30 Days of Perfection experiment tomorrow, April 6, 2015. (Yes, I know this last hoorah thing is dysfunctional, but I need the closure). The end day is May 6. Along the way I’ll write about what my daily goals are, whether I met them, the obstacles I encountered, and how it made me feel. Not meeting a goal isn’t a failure. It’s an opportunity to learn and move on (at least that's what my therapist told me). Hope you’ll follow me on this journey, and feel free to share stories of your own! Wish me luck!! 

PMS Riding Shotgun

Eight days in a minivan. Two countries. Two boys. One dad. And one PMSing mom.  Vacations really should be planned around my monthly cycle. I am not fit to be around people while suffering in hormonal hell. The world is coming to an end. Everything is awful and will never be ok again. Mark should lock me away in the attic and be done with it. Go on with his life. Find a new wife who is happy and fun, maybe younger and in better shape. Then, I remember to count the days on the calendar. 

Sadly, the realization of a reason for my crazy does little to shield my loved ones. They are subjected to my irrational irritation at random things they say and do. They try to comfort me as I cry over newspaper headlines, sappy country songs, and the fact that we are out of milk and I’ve already poured my cereal into the bowl.  I think my husband may have coached the children to stay out of the way, and say little, if mom seems like she’s losing it. 

     

Unfortunately, there was no hiding last month as the four of us were trapped driving across countries together for this particular week. I tried to keep it together. I tried to remember that my thoughts and feelings were not real, but a figment of a fucked up hormonal imbalance. Knowing this helped me to limit my temperamental outbursts, but did not actually make me feel any better. So I suffered in silence - for awhile. The silence was suffocating, and became one of the grim things I fixated on. The thought, “There is no communication in this family. The children will grow up and go away without ever really talking to us. We won’t even know them.  We’re horrible parents,” spun in my head. 

     

I snapped at the boys to take a break from their damn devices and spend some time as a family. They sighed, turned things off, and looked at me. Then I switched gears, and tried to cheerfully ask them questions. 

“So what’s your favorite part of the trip so far? Of all our trips, which one was the most fun? If you could go anywhere where would you go?” 

They answered with one or two words and then sat in silence. This went on until I ran out of questions and patience.  I asked if they wished we talked more. 

“No. I think we talk enough.” 

I sighed, and told them their screen break was over. They quickly turned everything back on and I looked out the window, convinced we’d all die alone. 

     

Clearly, the kids are a lost cause. But what about my husband? I’m sure we used to spend more of this time talking, laughing, and enjoying being together. This trip seemed to be mostly him driving and me pouting. I struggled to find something to talk about and came up with nothing. I tried asking him questions. He’d answer and then we’d sit in silence. When I ran out of questions and patience, I irritatedly pointed out to him his lacking communication skills. 

     

“You never ask me about the things I do or the things I’m interested in. I have to do all the work.” 

“That’s not true. I just asked you who you thought would win the World Cup.”

      

“Do you honestly think asking me a question about something you know I have absolutely no interest in is a good way to start a conversation?” 

     

“Well, I tried.”

     

“That is not trying. After 20 years of marriage, do we just have nothing left to say? Is this how it’s going to be? Are we going to be that miserable looking older couple at the restaurant table finishing their dinner without ever saying a word to each other?”

     

“Katie, you know you’re overreacting. We’re talking as much on this trip as we do on any trip. We can’t talk nonstop for the 8 hours a day that we’re in the car. Aren’t you getting your period this week?”

     

For some women, those are fighting words. For me, they are an appreciated reality check. 

     

“Do you think that’s it? Am I being crazy?” 

     

“That’s probably it. We’re fine. Everything will seem better in a few days. Hang in there.”

     

I almost expected him to give me a “little slugger” punch on the shoulder.  Instead, he turned up the radio and stared down the road.  I went back to gloomily looking out the window, and ruminating over the deterioration of the American family. 

     

Later, Ben, my 11-year-old, noticed my unhappiness, turned off his iTouch, and chimed in, “So, Mom, which 'Die Hard' movie is your favorite?” Movies are Ben’s thing. The way some people are with their favorite sports, Ben is with movies.  He can name off actors, directors, critic ratings, and random bits of trivia for almost any movie you could think to ask him about.  I do actually like the 'Die Hard' movies, and I appreciated his attempt to cheer me up. 

     

That night, I thanked him for being sensitive to my feelings, but also reminded him that it’s not his job to make things ok for me. “It’s my job to take care of you, not the other way around, but I do love how sweet you are.”  Hearing this, he seemed relieved.  I don’t want my children to feel the burden of responsibility for my happiness. I encourage them to be thoughtful and kind people, while making sure we’re all on the same page - you are the kids, I am the mother, you don’t need to take care of me. 

     

Even with this, I know my moods aren't easy for the boys. Neither of them does well with conflict. I’m thankful that a peaceful home is their norm. That my crankiness is something unusual.  Sometimes I worry that their lives are too easy. Could they cope in a crisis or would they crumble under the stress? Will they feel the bad times that much more deeply because they’re not used to them? I would never wish hardships on my children, but life is full of struggles and I hope they're strong enough to overcome them. Maybe my PMS moments toughen them up, just a little bit. 

Tell Me More

It took me months (years?) to start a blog. I finally did it, and now I'm stuck. What to do with it? What's the point?  It's easy to get sidetracked and overwhelmed. I need to remember it’s really not that complicated. I needed a place to share my writing - that's it.  A blog seemed like neutral ground. If you're in the mood for one of my stories, you know where to find it, and there's no pressure to say anything about it.  Simple.  But something about "posting" is intimidating. The permanence? The publicness of it? Whatever it is, I need to get over it.  

Maybe I can start by being honest about my writing, and what I'm doing here.  I spend two and a half hours, once a week, with an amazing group of creative non-fiction writers. Sometimes there are 4 of us, sometimes there are 10. But there is never enough time. Each session begins with a "free write" starting with a prompt. We write without editing, without perfectionism, without any purpose other than getting what's in our heads onto the paper as fast as we can. When the time is up, we take turns reading aloud whatever has poured out.  

I love the writing that comes out of these few minutes.  Where each person is in that moment, the memories they have, the stories they want to tell - it's all fantastic. Each piece triggers more ideas for more stories. We constantly ask each other to "tell me more”.  We're encouraged to linger on the page (sound familiar?) and go deeper with what we've started. That’s what I’m doing here.  That's what my writing is - unpolished pieces of where I'm at, the memories I have, and the stories I want to tell.