Opening the freezer door, I was greeted with the sugary treasures I’ve been hoarding for the past month. Two “Death by Chocolate” mini cakes and a raspberry mascarpone torte in a clear pastry box sat next to a lonely gluten-free cupcake on a party plate wrapped in plastic. To make the cupcake feel special, I chose it as my celebratory “I’m done with this fucking experiment” prize and set it on the counter to defrost for breakfast.
To my credit, when I woke up, I did not run to it like a kid on Christmas morning. I waited for just the right moment to break my sugar fast. Anticipating it’s rich goodness, I went about my morning busyness. It’s a carrot cake cupcake - not my favorite. Doesn’t matter. It has frosting!
After I pushed the children out the door for school, I made a fresh cup of coffee, placed the cupcake in front of me, and prepared to savor my reward for a month of deprivation. I closed my eyes to limit my senses to the velvet creaminess of the first bite. The intense sweetness was almost too much. I slowly had two more bites and put down the fork. I swear I can feel the sugar in my bloodstream hitting my brain (right behind my left eye). I feel a little dizzy, and in a moment of panic think, “Oh my god, what if I can’t go back to sugar? What if it makes me sick?” I’ll just ease back into it. A couple bites now, a couple bites later. I can do this. I will not live a life without sugar!
The minor improvements to my emotional and physical health were not worth the frustration and resentment of being sugar free. It's not the secret to health and happiness for me. Sugar isn’t a super villain wrecking havoc on my life. It’s just something I like to eat. As long as I enjoy it like a reasonable adult, and not a desperate junky, I don’t need to put it on my ever growing list of “I Can’t Have’s”. What I definitely can’t have is a life of suffocating restrictions. I’m done with sugar shaming myself. It’s ok to cut loose with a handful of M&M’s every now and then. Like today. I’m definitely buying dark chocolate M&M’s today. Sugar, how I’ve missed you! Welcome back!!
